Doctor Marvel and the Ping-Pong Photon Theory

"Ladies and gentlemen, professors, farmhands, patent thieves, and those who have only wandered in because they mistook this demonstration for a pickle festival!"

Doctor Marvel flourishes a faded black  bag.

"Tonight I stand upon the very precipice of science, balanced delicately between genius and a strongly worded cease-and-desist letter from reality itself!"

He turns the bag inside out several times.

"Observe! Completely empty! As empty as a politician's promise, a fortune teller's tax ledger, or the noggin of a man who stores dynamite next to his coffee maker."

He snaps the bag open and reaches inside, producing a bright white ping-pong ball.

"Ah-ha! What is this? An egg? A sphere? A sporting implement?"

He raises the ball dramatically toward the moonlight.

"NO!"

"This, my friends, is a photon!"

A gasp from absolutely no one in particular.

"Have you ever wondered what happens when you enlarge a quantum photon particle to the size of a ping-pong ball?"

Doctor Marvel squints at the ball through a brass magnifying monocle.

"Neither had I. But that has never stopped scientific progress before."

He tosses the ball in the air and catches it.

"You see, conventional scientists insist photons are tiny packets of light."

He leans in conspiratorially.

"But according to my revolutionary Ping-Pong Photon Theory, every beam of light is actually composed of countless microscopic ping-pong balls traveling at tremendous velocity!"

He pauses.

"Now, critics claim this is impossible because photons have no mass."

A beat.

"To which I reply: have they weighed one?"

He produces a second ping-pong photon from the bag.

"No! They have merely assumed."

He clacks the two balls together.

"The universe, dear friends, is a gigantic cosmic ping-pong tournament. Matter is merely light keeping score. Gravity is what happens when the celestial umpire leans on the table!"

He places both balls into the bag.

"And now for empirical verification."

He shakes the bag.

"If two enlarged photons occupy the same probability envelope while being vigorously agitated by a qualified carnival scientist..."

A third ball suddenly appears.

"...you get a three-photon resonance cascade!"

He beams proudly.

"A phenomenon discovered just moments ago."

Doctor Marvel bows as balls continue appearing from seemingly nowhere.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I must return these photons to the sun before daylight runs short. Science waits for no man, and neither does my electric bill!"

Thunder crashes. The MarvelMobile backfires in the distance.

"Ah. The laboratory has exploded again."

"That means the theory is working."