Doctor Marvel's Patented Can O' Reality!

 Step right up, ladies, gentlemen, farmers, philosophers, traveling salesmen, and folks who ain't been entirely convinced this week is happenin' in the proper order!

Gather 'round and lend me your ears, your attention, and if possible, your suspension of disbelief!

I am Doctor Marvel, some say a Fringe scientist! Some say Sideshow magician! I do admit to being an occasional temporal tourist! A traveler of time, journeying all the way from the 20th century and what a long strange trip it's been!

Now, many of you are lookin' at this humble tin and askin':

"Doctor Marvel, what in thunderation is that?"

Friends, this...

...is the patented Doctor Marvel CAN O' REALITY!

Yes sir!

Reality!

Canned fresh at the source!

Now hold on, I can hear the skeptics already.

"Doctor Marvel, why would a body want to can reality when reality's already everywhere?"

Well, that's a reasonable question.

That would be like bottlin' water while standin' in a river!

Like canning air while you're already breathin' it!

Like puttin' sunshine in a jar and sellin' it to a sunflower!

But friends...

Every now and then...

Things get... un-real.

You know the symptoms.

You walk into a room and forget why.

You lose your spectacles only to discover they're already on your nose.

You wake up feelin' like Tuesday, only to learn it's somehow Thursday.

The news begins makin' less sense than a one-legged centipede.

That's when reality starts wearin' thin at the edges!

And that's exactly when you need a Doctor Marvel Can O' Reality!

Each can contains a genuine sample of the cosmic fabric itself!

A certified fragment of existence!

A carefully harvested snippet of the universal weave!

Collected by advanced methods I am legally prohibited from explainin' in more than seventeen states!

"But Doctor Marvel," you say, "what's inside?"

Ah!

Nobody knows!

Not even me!

Especially not me!

Every can is different!

Some contain a concentrated ounce of common sense.

Some contain a pocketful of probability.

Some contain three tablespoons of destiny and a trace amount of Tuesday.

One gentleman opened a can in Tulsa and immediately remembered where he'd misplaced a wheelbarrow in 1948.

Another opened his and discovered the certainty he'd been looking for all his life.

Unfortunately it belonged to somebody else.

But that's the adventure!

You're not buyin' what is in the can.

You're buyin' what reality thinks you need!

And for families on the go, ask about our exciting new product:

DOCTOR MARVEL'S REALITY SOUP!

That's right!

All the nourishing cosmic substance of the original product, now simmered to perfection!

Contains no artificial dimensions!

No synthetic timelines!

And less than two percent paradox by volume!

Wonderful for cold evenings, existential emergencies, and awkward family reunions!

So step right up!

Don't let your existence wobble!

Don't wait until your shadow starts arriving five minutes late!

Don't risk discoverin' you've accidentally wandered into somebody else's destiny!

Secure your own genuine, patented, scientifically questionable but spiritually reassuring...

DOCTOR MARVEL CAN O' REALITY!

Because when the world gets strange...

When the universe starts improvizin'...

When common sense packs its suitcase and heads for the hills...

You'll be mighty glad you've got a little extra reality on the shelf.

Step right up! One can, one dollar! Two cans, three dollars! Three cans, and I'll throw in a complimentary spoon for the Reality Soup!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen...

and if you're hearin' this speech tomorrow before I give it today...

please don't spoil the ending.